Your face is flushed, a faint shiver runs through your body, and the only thing you want to do is fall to the ground. Probably everyone has encountered shame. Why does this happen, why do we need shame, and how to “tame” it?
What Shame Is
In everyone’s life, there are moments that make you burn with shame: a forgotten speech at an important meeting, a child’s tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, awkwardness after a noisy party, or a lack of money in a restaurant on a first date. In these situations, many people can feel wrong, inappropriate, or bad.
Shame is a “base emotion,” automatic and universal to any culture. At the same time, many researchers refer to shame as a “self-conscious emotion,” meaning that it consists of how we perceive ourselves and how we “read” other people’s attitudes toward us (how others see us).
Shame manifests itself not only at the level of thoughts and feelings but also in the body: cheeks turn red, sweat breaks out, breathing becomes labored, and speech is lost.
Why Shame is Needed
The feeling of shame is mentioned in the Bible: when Adam and Eve broke the prohibition, they were ashamed of their nakedness, sewed themselves clothes, and hid from the eyes of God. This story directly links shame to the violation of social norms and rules. Primatologist Frans de Waal came to the same conclusion while observing chimpanzees. He saw that the offending animals, wanting to maintain their place in the pack, showed emotions similar to human shame.
Evolutionarily, shame serves to maintain social order, helping a person recognize and correct actions that may violate the expectations of the environment: family, friends, and society. It’s hard to imagine how a person would be socialized if there were no shame because it’s through it that a child learns norms and rules. Moreover, shame contributes to personal development, motivating a person to improve those areas of his life that he considers underdeveloped and shameful. For some, it can be a reason to improve their sports betting strategy or grow as an employee to avoid shame in the future.
However, it’s important to maintain a balance because excessive experience of shame can lead to negative consequences, such as low self-esteem, depression, and destructive behavior.
How Shame Works
According to German philosopher and sociologist Georg Simmel, the essence of shame is the conflict between the real self and the way I want or need to be. Three components are necessary for this feeling to manifest itself: the self, the other, and the situation.
A person’s assumptions about how he or she looks in the eyes of others are an integral part of shame. The silence of others can even increase this feeling, because shame often feeds on our fantasies about how we are perceived. The media, social networks, advertising, and even books add fuel to the fire: they broadcast unrealistic expectations of a person. How not to burn with shame, if you have to work three jobs, do sports, eat healthy, learn a new language, and be a loving and caring spouse. And all that is available is one job, a restless three-year-old, and the husband is always at work.
Over time, the need for the presence of another is no longer necessary for shame to emerge, as this “shaming” is already built into the person himself. Such a figure is often called the inner critic. And since it’s internal, any situation is now “in plain sight,” which carries a threat to the social image of the self. That is, it becomes impossible to relax and stop being ashamed, even in private.
The origins of shame are often rooted in childhood. The formation of chronic shame can be influenced by the behavior of parents, for example, if they ignored the child because of his actions, reminded him of failures, humiliated, compared to other children, and used emotional and physical violence.
What Shame Can Be Confused With
Shame can often be confused with guilt, fear, or anger, each of which has its own characteristics.
Guilt focuses on a specific action or mistake (“I did something bad”), while shame makes a person feel bad in general, not for anything specific.
Shame can be similar to fear of how others will see us. And it can also be fear (though one thinks shame) because of the consequences of the actions we’ve taken. The difference is that fear is oriented toward the future, toward expecting negative consequences, while shame is oriented toward the present, toward feeling right now.
Anger can stem from shame that a person doesn’t want to face and chooses instead to be angry at others or at the situation that caused the shame.
What Situations Can Cause Shame and Why?
Shame can arise in many situations, depending on gender, culture, and individual differences. For example, one study on the topic of shame states that women are more likely to experience shame in the context of romantic and family relationships and physical appearance. This can be a shame for failing to fulfill societal expectations of being an “ideal” wife or mother, or for expressing their own desires that are at odds with the imposed image of women.
For men, shame is often associated with professional situations, when they feel that they haven’t achieved the desired level of success, or cannot be the breadwinner for the family.
In all cases, shame arises from the gap between reality and internal expectations or set social standards.
How to Work With Shame on Your Own
Working with shame is a path of self-discovery and self-acceptance. Shame blocks inner energy and paralyzes a person. Until we realize it, it’s most poisonous. The key to working with shame is to identify what triggers this emotion. In this way, shame has boundaries and can be worked with. The following scheme can be used for this purpose:
- Describe the situation when the shame arose. For example, you forgot the text of an important speech and you felt shamed by the looks of your colleagues.
- Identify the inner message. This could be the belief that “I must always perform flawlessly.”
- Consider who may have instilled this rule and when. Perhaps as a child, your parents or teachers demanded that you always answer perfectly.
- Determine which of these things you now agree with and which you don’t. For example, you may conclude that it is normal to be nervous and forget.
- Evaluate whether there was really anything shameful or blame-worthy about your actions. Perhaps forgetting a speech is natural, and judgment is unnecessary in this case.
- Formulate your own attitude toward what happened. For example, “I may be nervous and forget words, but that doesn’t determine my competence or value as a person.”